How to get elderly mother into assisted living ?
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The homes themselves deal with this all the time. Pick one or two you're considering and ask the marketing groups there how to handle the situation. They'll have multiple approaches to this situation. As an example, they will send a representative to your site to launch the discussion. I faced this with an elderly aunt. She wasn't completely refusing but it was certainly a hard sell. Once they gave her the cognitive tests, in which she did poorly, she was more open to the reality that she needed help.
Good luck. Just went thru something similar with in-laws, one of which has dementia. Took over a year to get them looking around seriously and then to decide to accept what could only be described as a godsend. Then almost another year to actually make the move happen. Now have to listen to "if the house doesn't sell, we'll have to move back."
I mention all that under the category "coming attractions."
Yes, there are warehouses. And there are some nice places. If you are anywhere near MD, go to Sykesville and look at Fairhaven. Or any EMA facility. Yes, I understand that getting her to look is the problem. YOU go look. I've visited many of these places, and they tend to have very understanding people. You can talk with their marketing person on the phone, and maybe make an appointment to see them to talk and visit the facility. They face this problem every day, and can help you with getting her to visit.
One way they do this is to issue an invitation to a meal, or some function at the facility, or both. There may be residents at the facility that have some common interest with her, and a willingness to befriend her to help her adjust to the idea. The plan is to make it appealing to her, and get her to see what such a place offers. Once she moves in, her social life will almost certainly blossom, and there will be many activities, at least some of which would interest her, all within walking distance. No driving required. The convenience of having so much, and so many friends, readily available, is a major draw. Plus, the availability of varying degrees of medical care. And these places have full time security. Don't consider one that doesn't.
You probably want to look only at CCRCs. Continuing Care Retirement Communities. Google it. You'll want to avoid Sunrise facilities- for reasons why, just Google them, too. They've been in the news a lot, and not for good reasons.
I see, as I type slowly, that bhelms has already posted pretty much what I've written above. Take his advice, it's damn good.
I mention all that under the category "coming attractions."
Yes, there are warehouses. And there are some nice places. If you are anywhere near MD, go to Sykesville and look at Fairhaven. Or any EMA facility. Yes, I understand that getting her to look is the problem. YOU go look. I've visited many of these places, and they tend to have very understanding people. You can talk with their marketing person on the phone, and maybe make an appointment to see them to talk and visit the facility. They face this problem every day, and can help you with getting her to visit.
One way they do this is to issue an invitation to a meal, or some function at the facility, or both. There may be residents at the facility that have some common interest with her, and a willingness to befriend her to help her adjust to the idea. The plan is to make it appealing to her, and get her to see what such a place offers. Once she moves in, her social life will almost certainly blossom, and there will be many activities, at least some of which would interest her, all within walking distance. No driving required. The convenience of having so much, and so many friends, readily available, is a major draw. Plus, the availability of varying degrees of medical care. And these places have full time security. Don't consider one that doesn't.
You probably want to look only at CCRCs. Continuing Care Retirement Communities. Google it. You'll want to avoid Sunrise facilities- for reasons why, just Google them, too. They've been in the news a lot, and not for good reasons.
I see, as I type slowly, that bhelms has already posted pretty much what I've written above. Take his advice, it's damn good.
My Grandma is at the beginning stages of dementia. She's had 3 separate move-in dates to go to the assisted living places and all 3 times, she decided at the last minute she wasn't going. A ton of money in down-payments have been lost. Very hard thing to be do. I feel for my parents as they are dealing with my Grandma on this.
I suppose I should add, it is possible to declare someone incompetent. Some states are easier than others in this process, but it's never easy.
One proactive answer is for all of us to consider the likelihood that we'll end up needing care beyond what is reasonable for our kids to provide in our waning years. For their sake, early planning - while we're still capable of doing it - is in order. That removes the burden that the OP and many of us have experienced.
My mother (R.I.P.) had that foresight when she moved into a progressive care facility in FL. At the time she still had most of her faculties, but saw the inevitable coming. She managed in complete independent living for the better part of 10 years. It was essentially a conventional apartment in a high-rise building. She made a sizeable down payment to "buy in" to the program, then there were monthly fees that were close to $1,000 toward the end. She had to pay for a minimum number of meals per month whether she ate them or not (the idea was to force some amount of interaction with other residents at least in the dining hall) but she had a full kitchen and could manage for herself for the most part. She kept her car (the one I ended up moving to PA) and could come and go as she pleased. She did join a coulple of bridge groups but otherwise kept pretty much to herself which was exactly as she wanted it. But for the more gregarious, the facility had all the amenities and programs a senior citizen could want. Home nursing was available as needed as were other "services", all paid for ala carte. After nearly 10 years in that environment it became more cost effective for her to move into assisted living which was just a single room with bed and limited space, so we "downsized" her a lot to make that move. But all meals and significantly more skilled nursing and other living assistance were part of the package at that point. She went downhill rapidly and ended-up in a shared room full nursing environment when the end came. Mom had to qualify to enter this home (buy-in plus income/reserves to cover the expected lifetime monthly costs) but once accepted she was in for life regardless of her financial situation, or whether or not she "outlived" her money.
I am seriously considering such an arrangement for myself. Hopefully I won't have to make such a move for at least another 15 years, but I should be "shopping" soon...
My mother (R.I.P.) had that foresight when she moved into a progressive care facility in FL. At the time she still had most of her faculties, but saw the inevitable coming. She managed in complete independent living for the better part of 10 years. It was essentially a conventional apartment in a high-rise building. She made a sizeable down payment to "buy in" to the program, then there were monthly fees that were close to $1,000 toward the end. She had to pay for a minimum number of meals per month whether she ate them or not (the idea was to force some amount of interaction with other residents at least in the dining hall) but she had a full kitchen and could manage for herself for the most part. She kept her car (the one I ended up moving to PA) and could come and go as she pleased. She did join a coulple of bridge groups but otherwise kept pretty much to herself which was exactly as she wanted it. But for the more gregarious, the facility had all the amenities and programs a senior citizen could want. Home nursing was available as needed as were other "services", all paid for ala carte. After nearly 10 years in that environment it became more cost effective for her to move into assisted living which was just a single room with bed and limited space, so we "downsized" her a lot to make that move. But all meals and significantly more skilled nursing and other living assistance were part of the package at that point. She went downhill rapidly and ended-up in a shared room full nursing environment when the end came. Mom had to qualify to enter this home (buy-in plus income/reserves to cover the expected lifetime monthly costs) but once accepted she was in for life regardless of her financial situation, or whether or not she "outlived" her money.
I am seriously considering such an arrangement for myself. Hopefully I won't have to make such a move for at least another 15 years, but I should be "shopping" soon...
My Mom went from home to the Alzheimer's ward as she became too much for us to handle... it was hard and we had to stay away for a month for her to get acclimated to living there... it was hard, but the right choice for her and us...
Got my father in one, under the guise of "physical rehabilitation". He was just to week to do anything for himself, and I mean anything. Having his heart doctor "order" it was a Godsend in getting him there.
To sum it up in my father's case, I got complaints from the neighbors, (he was a war vetran) and would have parinoid "issues". Went to court to get him put in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation, while at the same time dealing with my own health issues. The judge denied my request, a year later he was dead because he would not go to the doctor or hospital for a medical problem. He had surgery done, a week later he was dead.
I didn't know if it was PTSD or not, he refused to go to a "shrink", that's why I took court action. The judge that denied my request left office soon after and a schoolmate of mine took her place!
I didn't know if it was PTSD or not, he refused to go to a "shrink", that's why I took court action. The judge that denied my request left office soon after and a schoolmate of mine took her place!
Drat the rotten timing!
Anyway, I think today for nice places you're looking at more like $100,000 - $200,000 for buy in for 2 for a "cottage" or ground level multi-plex type place, less for apartments, esp the smaller ones. Then $3,000 - $5,000, including 2 or 3 meals a day. Yep, interaction is the thing.
One thing to look for- does the contract state there's a "good faith effort" to keep residents after/if the money runs out, or does it "guarantee?" Very few do the latter. Look for places run by, or started by, religious organizations, regardless of your religious beliefs.
And look into the Elks. You have to be a member for 5 years, and there are other considerations, but it's a good deal. And their home in Bedford, VA is a pretty good place. They even have live performances there by the local Little Theater.
Oh, the things I could write about dementia and Alzheimer's! Take local classes/seminars on the topic if you'll have to deal with "the long goodbye."
Anyway, I think today for nice places you're looking at more like $100,000 - $200,000 for buy in for 2 for a "cottage" or ground level multi-plex type place, less for apartments, esp the smaller ones. Then $3,000 - $5,000, including 2 or 3 meals a day. Yep, interaction is the thing.
One thing to look for- does the contract state there's a "good faith effort" to keep residents after/if the money runs out, or does it "guarantee?" Very few do the latter. Look for places run by, or started by, religious organizations, regardless of your religious beliefs.
And look into the Elks. You have to be a member for 5 years, and there are other considerations, but it's a good deal. And their home in Bedford, VA is a pretty good place. They even have live performances there by the local Little Theater.
Oh, the things I could write about dementia and Alzheimer's! Take local classes/seminars on the topic if you'll have to deal with "the long goodbye."
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