Redneck joke of the day
- Thread starter Ramy
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:haha:haha yeah guess who they are ??did ya hear the one about rey and his two buttholes?
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!" The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.
The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
Exclamations:
“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
Threats:
“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”
“This’ll jar your preserves.”
“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”
Good Things/Compliments:
“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
“Gooder than grits.”
The Weather:
“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
Insults:
“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’”
“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”
Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.”
Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”
“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
Threats:
“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”
“This’ll jar your preserves.”
“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”
Good Things/Compliments:
“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
“Gooder than grits.”
The Weather:
“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
Insults:
“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’”
“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”
Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.”
Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”
hey! wait a minute!!! that sounds just like that fishing trip you and i took last weekend! what are you trying to say?
"You look like you've bin whooped with a ugly-stick!", from 'Say Man' the old song by Bo Diddley...
redneck balcony
He has all the amenities. He pees off the roof and if he needs more beer he bangs the crutch on the roof.
If you take a bath in a water trough.
Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.
If your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
If you use your front porch as a deerstand.
If you have two refigerators,one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.
If.....you pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!
If you remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dash board.
Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.
If your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.
You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
If you use your front porch as a deerstand.
If you have two refigerators,one outside for the food and one inside for the beer.
If.....you pull out the generator when the power goes out to watch a NASCAR race!
If you remember phone numbers by writing them in the dust on your dash board.
You own a whole set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip.
Your wife has ever asked you to come move the transmission so that she can take a bath.
You and your dog both used the tree at the corner.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
If you think "The Nutcracker" is somthing you do off the high dive.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
Your wife has ever asked you to come move the transmission so that she can take a bath.
You and your dog both used the tree at the corner.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
If you think "The Nutcracker" is somthing you do off the high dive.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You might be a redneck if you don’t get these redneck jokes
You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
You might be an redneck if the last thing you say is “Hey! Watch this…”
You might be a redneck if your baby’s first words were, “Attention, K-mart shoppers.”
You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”
You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
You might be an redneck if the last thing you say is “Hey! Watch this…”
You might be a redneck if your baby’s first words were, “Attention, K-mart shoppers.”
You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”
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