I understand part of your pain Dee, a few years back i "lost" my nephew, he is still with ours but not as i'd like him to be, but still, i can talk to him every day even if he doesn't responds or understands me. After that we began to loose one by one our pet dogs, the first to go was one that had been 18+ years in the family, then another one who had been with ours for more than 14 years, then the last two, a pair of dogs that were sisters, one of them even waited until my dad came over and talked to her and calmed her telling her everything was going to be ok, after hearing this she rested her head in my dad's arms and died silently, her sister died a few months after that, she lost the battle against cancer, both of them well over 14 years too. She was my "baby", i had her since she was a little tiny dog... after that, a few months later a bee stung our last dog and she died, horribly, asphixiated, i tried to save her giving her mouth to mouth resucitation but it was already too late and couldn't do anything, i felt horrible as she was diying desperately struggling in my arms. After that, i made a bow to never again have dogs, no more, it hurts so bad, so so bad. Right now i have cats that for some odd reason came over to my house and they've been here, but i have not been taking care of them too much so as to fall in "love" for their friendship and companion towards me, specially nowadays that i have been mostly unable to move a lot.
Don't you worry Dee... you have not been a pain in the arse, at least not for me, i like to help whenever it's possible.
Take care, be careful not to pop too many pills, those are very dangerous, and i've been with a friend many times after she got intoxicated with valium, percodan, and a lot of pills she has to take (bipolar), and, it's not something you'd like to experience, believe me so, the moral hangover its something i wouldn't like anybody to go through, really.
Best wishes to you too, and may god be at your side every second, even if at times it seems he's "punishing", sometimes he's just giving us test so as to have the force to affront what could be coming next. Everything has a reason to be, we don't know, maybe even shouldn't think about it, deny it nor question it, but, we know it is.