What happened when the elderly couple got the "KY Jelly" confused with the "Window Calk? (see below)
The Window Fell Out
The Window Fell Out
Bad joke of the day.................
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THE PAINT CAN
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
:
::haha:haha
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents .
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex ..
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all .
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down .
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy .
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . '
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . '
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents .
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex ..
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all .
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down .
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy .
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . '
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . '
The Narcissistic Woman
A 53 year old woman has a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While in the emergency room she has a near death experience. She see's God and she asked is my time up? God replies "No you have another 44 years, three months and nine days to live."
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, breast implants, liposuction a tummy tuck. She also has someone come in and change her hair color have her teeth whitened, and straightened.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might just as well take advantage of it.
After her last operation she is released from the hospital, while she is crossing the street on her way home she is hit by an ambulance and killed.
Arriving in front of god at the gates to heaven she demands "I thought you said I had another 44 years of life to go?
Why didn't you pull out of the path of that ambulance ?"
God replied: DUH! "I didn't recognize you!"
A 53 year old woman has a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While in the emergency room she has a near death experience. She see's God and she asked is my time up? God replies "No you have another 44 years, three months and nine days to live."
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, breast implants, liposuction a tummy tuck. She also has someone come in and change her hair color have her teeth whitened, and straightened.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might just as well take advantage of it.
After her last operation she is released from the hospital, while she is crossing the street on her way home she is hit by an ambulance and killed.
Arriving in front of god at the gates to heaven she demands "I thought you said I had another 44 years of life to go?
Why didn't you pull out of the path of that ambulance ?"
God replied: DUH! "I didn't recognize you!"
Splinters in Her Crotch
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA ...
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA ...
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"
Being Re-Located to Brownsville Tx.
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Brownsville. Jim was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jim asked.
"I've been transferred to Brownsville, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Jim replied, "I've lived in Brownsville all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Have a Great Day & Stay Safe.
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Brownsville. Jim was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jim asked.
"I've been transferred to Brownsville, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Jim replied, "I've lived in Brownsville all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Have a Great Day & Stay Safe.
Irish Wedding
When Mike and Kathleen were married There was an Irish Wedding Party
At the wedding party someone yelled,
"All the married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."
Scroll down....
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
When Mike and Kathleen were married There was an Irish Wedding Party
At the wedding party someone yelled,
"All the married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."
Scroll down....
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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