Barbies Letter
To: Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little fat troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list!
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your a$$?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like focking cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Hookey-Pookey Elmo over that wimpy, faggy excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-fag away once he becomes anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 2000's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream,a bag of chips, and midol; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs
of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been over 40 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new focking barbie for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Now for Ken's
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms.
Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the B!TCH has everything. I, along with GI Joe, the bratz, and Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my creative lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out of work Actor Ken?" And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I could use bendable knees so I can kick the b!tch to the curb.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo slut whore from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And you can let Ms. Barbie know she can forget about
GI Joe-he's mine, B!TCH!!!!
Sincerely,
Ken
To: Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little fat troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list!
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your a$$?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like focking cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Hookey-Pookey Elmo over that wimpy, faggy excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-fag away once he becomes anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 2000's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream,a bag of chips, and midol; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs
of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been over 40 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new focking barbie for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Now for Ken's
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms.
Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the B!TCH has everything. I, along with GI Joe, the bratz, and Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my creative lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out of work Actor Ken?" And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I could use bendable knees so I can kick the b!tch to the curb.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo slut whore from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And you can let Ms. Barbie know she can forget about
GI Joe-he's mine, B!TCH!!!!
Sincerely,
Ken
